Gotta let it all out!!

So Lately I have been feeling so Overwhelmed and Stressed, like I the world is coming down on me so hard I can HARDLY Breath.  Life just doesn't add up to what I ever expected it to when I was little.  I thought I would be so HAPPY all the time and enjoy being married with multiple kids all the time, but for a little over a month now I don't have the desire to be a mom, a wife, or even to be as an existing person in life.  Now don't get me wrong here, I LOVE MY SON MASEN WITH ALL MY HEART, along with my HUBBY JOHN!!  It is just that this stupid thing called DEPRESSION is really over powering me this time and I refuse to go on medication again.  I didn't really care for how it made me feel when I was on it, Completely MONOTONE, or EmotionLESS.  This time around being Depressed has taken all my energy, my spark in life, my emotions are so on edge that if Masen cries for just one second I get so worked up that I want to scream.  Also the fact that I feel so LOST in my marriage doesn't help anything.  I don't feel that I am really at liberty to expand upon that right now, though I will say that Finances, and off schedual work hours does have a big part in it all.  Right now John and I hardly ever see each other.  I get up and go into work at 7:30AM every morning and get home around 2:00 - 2:30PM ish everyday, just to have John leave at 3:00PM to get to work and he doesn't get home till after I am sound asleep at 1:00AM.  He does have Friday & Saturday Nights off, but he usually is so dead from the week that he likes to sleep or not do much.  I don't blame him, though I feel a bit lonely that he doesn't really want to do anything with Masen & I.

I have been reading up on other peoples blogs lately and they always seem so happy, or they have such a STRONG amount of FAITH in them that life doesn't seem as diffucult.  I wish I had such Faith!  I use to be such a person, and then once I rebelled at 16, my life just hasn't felt complete.  I am missing that burning desire to learn more and gain a stronger Sprit and knowledge of the Gospel.  I've tried to get it back but it never seems to come... :(  Sometimes I feel like it is there, but then I guess I just ingnore it and loose it again.  I am at my witts end!

Anyone out there who thinks that Depression is 'JUST IN YOUR HEAD' is so wrong and you will never understand until you are the one being D.I.S.A.B.L.E.D by it.  It is one of the most frustrating things I have to deal with because it Efects E.V.E.R.Y. Asspect of my life.  Nothing is the same when I am as down as I am.  Why can't I get over it this time?? Why can't it just be like people think 'JUST IN MY HEAD' and really not be anything??  I don't understand why I am to be this way, it isn't what I want or who I want to be!?

PLEASE NO COMMENTS, I just needed to VENT!!!